The Antioch Scallion

The almost finest news source in the Antioch Community. "Because second place tries harder."

Category: The Scallion

The Last Assemblage Of Truths

By Kijin Higashibaba and Cleo van der Veen

This Assemblage of Truths is brought to you by the writers’ total lack of  sex lives, giving us plenty of time to write 68 articles, write and deliver two speeches, and create an art installation all in just 2 years, 10 months, and 18 days. You’re welcome.

Graduation Nerves

Graduating students would like to apologize in advance for anything “problematic” their families might say when they come for graduation. They would like to point out that they are different people than their parents or siblings, and that Commencement will be stressful for everyone. To avoid courting familial disaster, guidelines have been put out for how to deal with any sexist, racist, anti-trans, ableist, heterosexist, anti-climate change, pro-life, gendered, condescending, binary, Victorian or Medieval, Trump-supporting, xenophobic, etc. comments that may be made by non-community members. Please, please just “roll with it” for this weekend, and we are all very sorry.

Eyes Water At Community Meeting

The last Community Meeting of the quarter was deeply sentimental and moist. The entire hour was dedicated to appreciations and good-byes. There was a lot of clapping, standing ovations, sitting, and a lot of crying. Some people didn’t cry and felt left out, but Antioch has completely inured them to loss so they, Can’t. Feel. Anything. The strangeness of the event was compounded by high attendance and the presence of refined sugar on a day other than Friday.

Framework For Antioch College’s Transition (FACT)

The Manley Administration announced a FACTastic new initiative to bring what are known as the college’s “Co-Curricular Assets” more formally into the Antioch College experience. This initiative will draw from the method of design-build in which community members will be an intrinsic part of the design and creation of new programs to help the college move forward. Unfortunately, even after a lengthy and exciting Community Meeting presenting this initiative, no one understands what it is. For more information visit antiochcollege.org/FACT.

Competition Fierce For Community Council Seats

In a stunning example of democracies which are not at all façades for dictatorships, all candidates ran unopposed in the latest Community Government election. The logistics of the election were plagued with technical errors, but in a result that shocked no one, all candidates made the cut. Some students have requested that votes be cast for individuals rather than candidates and their alternates together because, “Sometimes I really like the candidate, but I think their alternate is an asshole.”

Former President Cannot Catch A Break

Former President of Antioch College, President Mark Roosevelt has been accused of turning his new college into a politically correct cesspool of liberal collegiate mediocrity. This attack having happened so quickly after taking the reins of St. John’s might be a record turnaround for Roosevelt. Students at the college are already looking for someone to teach workshops on organizing a protest over the summer.

Senior Projects Make Fourth Years Unbearably Annoying

This term, the senior project chatter has peaked among the fourth years, making the cohort more unbearable than ever before. Community members speculate the senior project is actually just a ploy to make it less sad when the graduating class leaves. It might be working.

The Antioch Review Makes Headlines

The Antioch Review recently chose to unravel all of Antioch College’s claims to social justice and equal treatment by publishing a bigoted, anti-trans article. The backlash from the community was large, but not so big that any examination into the editorial process of the magazine is apparent. Senior editor of The Antioch Review, Robert Fogarty has been nominated for Biggest Curmudgeonly Asshole 2016, despite the fact that the awards ceremony bestowing this honor will not take place until after the presidential primary in November.

 

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Happy Organ Donor Day!

This article is brought to you by Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream, for when you are painfully aware of your singleness because you haven’t been on a date in ages and all your friends are in relationships and you’ve already finished a bottle of wine and no one is texting you back and you need something to eat while you cry over the sink.

Today is Valentine’s Day, the day when people in relationships pretend to be elated while trying to muster the energy to get out of their pajamas and brave the frigid cold in regular grown-up clothes. People not in relationships develop a bitter, dark, cold, place in their hearts that ends up causing yet another snowstorm to gather over New England. Go Pats. We know that there are some people who truly despise this special, romantic and beautiful day; some of them are the go-getting, PhD toting, eager beavers that bring you The Scallion every day. The following has been written in the honor of people who hate all that is pink and heart shaped.

Activities for Valentine’s Day Haters.

  1. Fold Laundry.
  2. Watch The Big Labowski alone.
  3. Organize your music collection.
  4. Buy a bucket of chicken and eat it over the sink.
  5. Read Ayn Rand.
  6. Contemplate the implications of being alone for the rest of your life.
  7. Adopt another cat.
  8. Teach the cat to dial 911.
  9. Join another feminist organization.
  10. Start playing World of Warcraft.
  11. Marathon Downton Abbey.
  12. Schedule a dentist appointment.
  13. Order from shipyourenemiesglitter.com.

The possibilities for the sad, lonely and rejected on Valentine’s Day are endless. Hopefully these poor, poor souls will find solace in some of the aforementioned activities until they can manage to find a suitable partner. Because, lets face it: no one can be single and happy at the same time. Ever. Happy Valentines Day!!!