Summer 2014: An Assemblage of Truths

WAR ON MEN DECLARED

After several weeks of intense debate, a declaration of a war on men was announced by some really hardcore feminists on campus. Said their fearless leader, “We will rise up and win this war on men, just like we won the War on Poverty, the War on Crime, the War on Drugs, and various other wars on nouns.” If anyone had bothered to look at the gender ratio of the student body, it would become apparent that such a declaration would be entirely redundant.

WE. ARE. SO. EXCITED.

The incoming students of the Class of 2018 are already looking to be real precocious, goal-oriented, go-getters. Sources say that these unique, well chosen, and well-read individuals come from many diverse academic backgrounds; preparatory programs, the International Baccalaureate, summer school, correspondence courses, community college credits, collegiate math camp, and remedial eurythmy. According to a source close the the class, one student’s motivation to come to Antioch was to learn how to spell bourgeois. She apparently has no idea what it means or how it might be spelled. She is also considering a self-design major in irony.

NEW DEAN UNDER INVESTIGATION

The Antioch College community is pleased to welcome a new Dean of Community Life, Luis Rosa. Rosa comes into his new position well-versed in kinetic manipulation, leviathan physiology, telekinesis, the mystic arts, and herbology. His soft-spoken demeanor, curious mind, excellent listening skills and enthusiasm for creating community and relationships belie his murky past rumored to include necromancy. A full-scale investigation has been launched by the Office of the President, President Mark Roosevelt, the president of the college.

RUMOR MILL IN PERIL

The financial manager of the Rumor Mill announced that for the past several months, the mill’s pace has taken on a languid quality. “There could be many reasons for this. Right now, I strongly suspect that people quitting Time to Shine and The Bulletin and a general disinterest in bullshit are the strongest contributing factors to the mill’s inactivity.”

But it’s not all gloom and doom in the rumor department; the arrival of the Class of 2018 could mean a whole new horde of rumor-spreading scoundrels on campus.

STUDENT UNION FOUNDED BECAUSE REASONS

Antioch has founded a Student Union for purposes only known to its members. Activities of the Union are also apparently confidential but appear to include weekly meetings and randomly erecting tent cities on the Horseshoe during thunderstorms that magically disappear by dawn. Also recently, students attempted to go drink smoothies in front of the the Wellness Center but got really tired and just ended up sitting on the ground.